Hello there, Anxiety. Welcome.
Well, I say "welcome," but you’re always there aren’t you? Just sitting there, dormant, like a volcano, ready to overwhelm and destroy happy places within me at any point.
You sit in my chest and top of my stomach. It hurts, physically. Sometimes I think I can cry you out, but often you don’t let me do that.
I know you’re a learned behaviour. I know I have the power to change you, I know this and yet knowing this makes you stronger? Well that’s ironic. Not in a funny way either.
You don’t let the dishes remain dirty today; you don’t let my floor go un-vacuumed, the washing unwashed or the clean clothes folded away. You don’t let the rubbish sit there or the clutter stay cluttered. You force me to tidy and organise.
You tell me music won't help, that I have to sit still and look at my calendar. Each event will keep me calm, each date and time will keep me still. I have a reason then, a purpose.
You keep me away from my baby, from being present with him. You tell me staying home for the day looking after him and playing with him isn’t going to make me happy. You tell me thinking of the future is a much more valuable way to spend your time.
You tell me I’m lost, you tell me I’m fuzzy, that I’m alone and lonely. You tell me the sounds around me are painful, the rush of the street is terrifying, and that everyone is there to take advantage of me.
You tell me to KEEP GOING, to keep thinking, to keep working everything out. You tell me that to stay still and be here, is where I’ll get hurt, where I’ll forget all the things I need to do.
Anxiety, here is what I have to tell you.
You are there and I can see you. I understand you have been manifested as a coping technique. I made you. I made you years and years ago when things were hard and I didn’t feel safe. But let me tell you, I am loved. I am whole. I have purpose without you. I can sit and I can go, and I am still doing what I am meant to do.
I can laugh and I can cry and they are both okay. Thank you Anxiety, but you are okay, I don’t need you to yell at me so loudly, please know, my body and mind are safe and sound.